Alive - Viviane Simōes

You look at yourself in the mirror and you don’t recognize the face you see.

You are happy.

“Hey, it’s been a while”, you think.

And you look at the summer reddish dress on the bed; the dress you chose last night to wear today.

You take a breath, it’s an excitement you feel, some weird feeling that you’re not used to.

“What’s going on?” Is this you? You wonder.

Maybe this is a version of yourself, a non-depressed version of yourself you’ve never seen before. Some hidden layer of wishes, a slice of life you had no idea existed in you before.

Until now, you were this quiet woman, not wanting to attract attention, too worried with the problems of the world, too desperate to do something meaningful with your life, and carrying the sadness of the world around with a heavy heart became your sentence, and you don’t even know why you carry this burden with you.

Not to care that much anymore at this moment is a relief.

It’s new, and this seems different: It seems foolish and also innocent, and you feel you’re too old for romance even if you skipped all the silliness and foolishness and love life when you were a teenager.

But it also feels good, doesn’t it? It feels very good.

You walk down the street and thank God you chose comfortable shoes and didn’t listen to Julia, your best friend, with crazy fashion ideas for you. She suggested high heels so you can look taller. Of course, you wish to be naturally taller, but you decide that if he’s going to like you, he will have to like you no matter how tall you appear.

You enter the coffee shop looking for him; praying for the embarrassment and awkwardness be very unnoticeable, well, you pray for it to be less embarrassing and awkward than it already is.

You look around, feeling your cheeks heat up a bit, trying to control the upsetting thoughts that he might not show up.

To your right, silly. He’s right there.

Dark hair, gentle smile. He stands, he gives you a hug, like you have known each other for a long time. Somehow it helps. You are calmer, optimistic. What? What is happening right now? You are very pleasant, and charming and you notice how he looks at you when you turn your face down.

Coffee and two desserts later, you let him pay for the whole thing, you don’t insist to pay, like you always do with everyone else. Julia will be proud.

You stand up, he stands up. He is so polite.

You hug him now, thinking it’s time to leave, that this is the right thing to do not to burden him much more with your presence even though he seems to be very happy and at ease around you, it’s better to take it slow and hope he will call you?

After all, you never felt this before.

This rush of good sensations. You don’t want it to end, but you take the victory of a good day. The calmness you only feel when you are at the beach with your feet in the water.

“I like your shoes. They seem ready for a walk.”

He wants to walk with you.

Like, right now, after already spending a couple of hours with you.

He’s not tired of you. He notices you.

You smile.

You let your all new agitations bring confidence in you.

You let yourself use all these new feelings, urging to be released.

Awkwardness, foolishness, anxiety, they accompany you on this new journey. And you let them. You always thought how wonderful and easy it should be for people to feel they belong, people who walk around this world claiming their existence.

Maybe you can be one of them, too.

“I would love to walk with you right now,” you reply.

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Viviane Simões - has a published book called “Dear Hope”